


Five Times Sara Died

by faithlessone



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Canon Temporary Character Death, F/M, non-canon permanent death, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 18:03:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10882104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithlessone/pseuds/faithlessone
Summary: The first time is the day they meet.The second time is on an enemy ship.The third time is on the way to Meridian.The fourth time barely counts.The last time, it sticks.Five times Sara died.





	1. 1

The first time is the day they meet.

She’s the prettiest, coolest girl in the galaxy. Sure, he’s only been awake in it a couple of hours, but he doesn’t think that assessment’s going to change any time soon.

It’s a hell of a first date. The fabled Golden World is just that, fabled. Imaginary. There’s killer lightning storms and hostile bone armour aliens and mountains that are fucking floating. He thought that being blasted out of the shuttle and crash landing on that nightmare was going to be the worst thing that happened that day. At least he landed near her. Then they made first contact with a pistol, lost Kirkland, and found impossible plants and alien tech that she just couldn’t stop poking.

Also, did he mention the floating mountains?

And then everything literally went to hell.

The Pathfinder is dead.

Alec Ryder was supposed to be invincible. That’s what N7s are _for_. What good is this mission without him?

And now Sara is seizing and something fucking weird is happening in her brain and there is nothing he can do about it. The doctors – Carlyle and the asari one – are doing things and saying shit he doesn’t even understand about her neural pathways.  All he can do is pace beside her and wait. They only met this morning. It can’t be over yet.

Then they rush her to SAM node. Because whatever her dad pushed into her head before he died is killing her too.

And it does.

For twenty two seconds.

It feels like longer. So much longer. He stops breathing. Then the asari says they’ve got her back, and the readouts level off and suddenly SAM and Sara are stable again.

Doctor Carlyle tells him to take a walk while they do whatever it is they need to do. He doesn’t want to go. Something stupid in his brain is telling him to stay with her just in case twenty two seconds wasn’t long enough to reset whatever SAM did. But they kick him out anyway.

Lost, scared, confused, he goes over to the cryo bay. Sara’s brother is lying on a med bed. Just as still and quiet as Sara was lying when he left her. There’s a medic standing over him, adjusting something on his datapad.

If they’ve lost all three Ryders in the space of a couple of hours, he’s going right back into stasis and firing himself towards the Milky Way. This was supposed to be a new start. Not a death sentence.

Then the medic smiles, and tells him that Scott’s stable. No change. They’re just waiting for him to wake up naturally. Could take weeks, months, even, but he’s safe where he is. When the medic walks away, he sits down and watches over Scott for a long few minutes. He’ll pull through. He has to.

Carlyle comes to tell him that they’re waiting for Sara to wake up naturally too. She’s still in SAM node. He sneaks back in to sit beside her. No way he’s going to risk her waking up alone.

He wakes to the sound of her voice.

“Hey, you’re still with us!” he can’t help but say. He wants to hug her, to make sure this is real and not a dream, because she’s already sitting up and moving and getting off the stretcher, and shit, she was dead a few hours ago, she shouldn’t be doing any of that.

But he only met her this morning.

So he comms the rest of the team instead. They tell her that her dad’s dead, and shit, somehow he’d forgotten that she didn’t know. Cora sounds more torn up about it than she does. His respect for Alec Ryder drops just a little further with the look on Sara’s face.

Then it’s back to business.

She’s the _Pathfinder_.

She doubts herself, and he can’t help but stand up for her. After their little adventure on Habitat 7, he has no reservation at all that she’ll be great at it. They fell out of a crashing shuttle onto a total unknown with floating fucking mountains and tentacle plants, and it had taken her barely seconds to take command, start scanning the surroundings, locate their fallen crewmembers and defeat those bony warrior aliens. She’s what they _need_.

When the rest of the team leave her to rest a couple of hours longer, he hangs back just a little, tells her that her brother’s fine. Tells her that if she can pull through, so can he. It seems to help.

(He doesn’t tell her that he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if she’s in charge, they’ll _all_ pull through this. They only met this morning.)


	2. 2

The second time is on an enemy ship.

At first, he thinks SAM’s joking.

Of course he’s joking.

Because stopping Sara’s heart just to get them out of this alien forcefield… that’s crazy. That’s fucking insanity. How can they be serious? What happens if it doesn’t work? Then he and Drack are still stuck in this forcefield waiting for the Kett to kill them, and the Salarian Ark is fucked, and… there’s no more Sara.

There can’t be no more Sara.

Not now he knows what her skin feels like under his hands, and what her lips taste like against his, and shit, yeah, he told her it could be casual, but there is _nothing_ casual about his feelings for her.

But she says yes, because in addition to being the prettiest, coolest girl in this galaxy, she’s also the wildest, and god, there’s a part of him that never wants that to change.

Drack makes some comment that he doesn’t even hear, and then…

The moment her heart stops, his almost does too. He holds his breath again, just like the first time, waiting, wishing, willing her to wake up again. There’s no seizure, this time, no convulsion, she just goes limp, dropping from the forcefield, crashing to the floor.

SAM tries to revive her once, then twice, and his heart almost gives out. SAM’s synthetic voice is so calm, so unaffected, but she’s still dead. His brain is filling with images of her below him on that sofa. How her hands had tangled in his hair, how her legs had gripped his hips, how her lips had chased his when he pulled away from her…

He hasn’t told her he loves her yet.

There can’t be no more Sara.

It takes eighteen seconds this time. Not that he’s in any fit state to count.

The sound of her gasping for breath as she bolts upright is the best sound he thinks he’s ever heard. She makes a joke he barely hears, stumbles over to the controls, and he lets himself relax. Just a little. They’re nowhere near safe yet, but… she’s alive. She died _again_ , and she’s alive.

He tries to put the whole thing out of his head. Forces it into that little box at the back of his skull where all the things he just can’t deal with live. It’s in good company; the knowledge his parents and old friends are all two million lightyears away; the idea that he’s probably never going to have a beer in a proper pub ever again, the way basically everything they’ve met in this galaxy so far has tried to kill them…

At first, it’s easy. Kett to kill, dead salarians to feel sick about. Fight their way all the way to the inner sanctum. Kill that Krogan abomination. And then, she has to make a choice.

Save Drack’s clanmates or the salarian Pathfinder.

It’s a no-win scenario, and he doesn’t envy it being her decision and her decision alone. Raeka’s the first Pathfinder they’ve found who was actually chosen to be one by the Initiative. He knows Sara wants to save her. Wants her help, her guidance, her training. But they both know the only decision she can make.

All he can think is that that’s _another_ dead Pathfinder. What if the next one is her?

When it’s all over, finally, he pulls her into his arms and holds her for a few brief seconds, then he makes a joke about her dying again being emotional abuse. Just a friendly hug, if that’s all she wants it to mean, but he desperately hopes she doesn’t. It wasn’t just a friendly hug, just like it wasn’t just a joke. Somehow it’s gotten to the point where he’s not sure he can do all the fighting and the running and the hero-ing if he can’t do it beside her.

(He tries not to think about the sure and certain fact that it’s been that way ever since they touched ground in Andromeda that very first day.)


	3. 3

The third time is on the way to Meridian.

It’s always going to be SAM, isn’t it?

He’s losing his fucking mind.

Days ago, he was on Eos with her, jumping off a rock formation and promising her that when they were old and people asked them how they got together, she was going to smile. Hours ago, he was in her bed… _their_ bed, and promising her that they were going to win, they were going to find Meridian (the real Meridian) and reboot all the Golden Worlds, and…

The Archon’s voice cut through, severing her connection to SAM, and then she was stumbling to the door and telling him to alert Lexi and then, she just… stopped.

He’s losing his fucking mind.

She’s lying there, crumpled, on the floor.

He drops beside her, yelling out for SAM; who just doesn’t answer, the bastard. She isn’t breathing, doesn’t have a pulse, nothing. He scans her furiously, begging the universe to prove that he’s just panicking a little and she does have vital signs, he’s just shaking too hard to register them. Jaal kneels beside him, asks him what’s wrong, tries to pull him away from her.

“We have to get help,” he says, in a voice that’s far too calm for this situation.

Lexi.

The Tempest.

SAM.

He’s usually good at thinking under pressure. If you’d asked him, six hundred years ago in another galaxy, he’d have called it one of his better qualities. Hell, he’s pretty sure it was one of the things he wrote on his application to join the Andromeda Initiative. Good at thinking under pressure.

That all goes out the proverbial window when Sara’s in trouble.

“Help,” Jaal repeats.

He forces himself to look up, look around him. The only way out is through that door. The only way to open that door is that remnant console. The only person capable of activating that remnant console is currently lying on the floor. Not breathing.

It’s kind of hard to feel positive when those are the facts.

Useless. This is the third time she’s died, and each time he’s been fucking useless.

The rage bubbles up through him, the adrenaline surging as he wrenches himself to his feet. Maybe the remnant console isn’t the only way through that door. Time for a little brute strength.

He almost misses her gasp of breath.

The sound is no less rejuvenating than it had been the last time, on the Archon’s ship. He can barely believe it’s possible. She’s been down for minutes. Whole minutes. How is it even possible that she’s alive? But there’s no time to figure that out now.

She stumbles to the remnant console. And activates it _without_ SAM’s help.

He’s losing his fucking mind.

They make it to the surface, to the crew and the Tempest, and she makes a damn good speech, but he’s still terrified. She _died_. Not like last time, not like the time before, those were seconds. Barely anything. Today, she was dead long enough for him to almost give up.

She activates another console ( _without_ SAM), and tries to hide the blood dripping from her nose.

He’s going to lose her.

The realisation hits him like a tonne of rocks.

It was always a possibility. She’s the fucking Pathfinder. Four of them have died so far, and it’s stupid to think that he can keep her alive just by wanting it so much. Every time they leave the Tempest, hell, every second they’re _on_ the Tempest, there’s a chance. Half this cluster wants her dead, and half of the rest are ambivalent either way. There’s a million things that could go wrong; could go sideways. She’s already died _three_ times. It’s too much to ask that she can keep up this insane streak of luck.

One day, sooner or later, he’s going to lose her.

But not today. Not again.

They get back aboard the Tempest, ready to head into the great terrifying unknown. He makes himself a promise. No matter what happens when they find Meridian, no matter what the Archon throws at them, no matter what surprises the remnant or the jardaan have in store, he will protect her.

If, no… _when_ they both survive this fight, he’s going to do something _big_. Can’t tell her he loves her – he’s already done that, does it frequently just in case it’s the last time he gets to. Can’t take her home – his family is two million lightyears away and centuries gone. Can’t ask her to move in – he’s already spending most nights in her cabin, and neither of them are ready to settle down yet.

(He’ll think of something…)


	4. 4

The fourth time barely counts.

It’s stupid. So stupid.

After the trauma they both sustained during the battle with the Archon, Lexi insists on both Scott and Sara having full medical work-ups.

She gathers a small team of doctors. Ones who can be trusted to poke around inside both the Ryder twins’ heads and not reveal what secrets are in them. Doctor Carlyle, too, of course. He knows Scott’s head better than anyone, even Lexi.

Sara kisses him before they take her away, joking that it’s just like the work-ups before they went into stasis. If she doesn’t wake up for another six hundred years, she’s going to be pissed, she says. He tries to laugh, tries to keep things light

Truth is, he’s terrified she won’t wake up at all.

He has to wait outside while they work. It shouldn’t take long, Lexi promises. Just a few hours. She tells him to get some rest, and they both know he won’t.

It’s stupid. So stupid.

Vetra comes and sits with him. Cora on the other side. He knows the others aren’t far. The whole crew is worried about the effect the battle for Meridian has had on the Ryders.

Hours pass slowly. The others talk, sometimes. He barely hears a word. All he can think about is that she hasn’t actually given him a straight answer yet. Marrying him. It just popped out, not even a real question. He’s been trying to think of a plan. A proper romantic thing that she can tell people. Even if his slip-up was broadcast in full holo to the entire cluster. She deserves something proper.

The door of the operating theatre opens, just a crack. He can see the doctors rushing about. Sara on the table. Then a high-pitched beep fills the air. A single sustained note that he knows, he knows far too well. His worst fear, yet again. He leaps to his feet, takes a step forwards…

And is caught, motionless in Cora’s stasis field.

The door slams shut.

Fourteen seconds, this time, Lexi tells him, when she finally emerges. Just fourteen seconds. The shortest time yet. Something about a complication with SAM’s implant during the physical examination. Just the idea makes him feel sick. Lexi promises him that no one will ever mess with Sara’s brain again.

He asks her what they found, not sure if he wants to hear the answer. She died _again_. Twice within days. It can’t be healthy.

Scarring, Lexi tells him. And stress markers. On different parts of her brain. When he asks, she points out where on a chart, and then on his own head, just so he’s sure. He doesn’t really understand the science of it, but he wants to believe Lexi when she says that she’s not too worried. Monitoring. Both Sara and Scott. No more invasive procedures. And no more using rem-tech without SAM’s help.

They both agree on that one.

It’s hours more before they let him into her room. She looks so small and pale against the bright blue blanket. Lexi made him promise not to stress her out, to let her rest, to let her heal. But the sight of her, almost gone from him a fourth time….

It’s stupid. So stupid.

But he needs to hear her say it.

“Don’t you ever do that again,” he begs, holding tight to her hand.

She clings back, pulling him until he almost crashes headlong into her, holding her tight to him.

“I’ve done enough dying for one lifetime,” she says, burying her face against his chest.

(He knows she can’t promise anything.)


	5. 5

The last time, it sticks.

But that’s… that’s okay.

It’s been decades. Decades since she last died, since they met – not that any amount of time with her would ever be enough – but she’s been sick for years. SAM to blame yet again.

Turns out even the right type of implant with the right type of AI can’t bolster human physiology forever. Quietly, gradually, the stress on her brain and body from SAM’s input has been killing her. It’s a fair trade, she keeps saying, but he doesn’t believe either of them.

They’ve been living on borrowed time for at least a decade.

Scott’s dying too. Slower. Much slower. He never got the Pathfinder upgrades to his SAM connection, or the brain damage from the solo Remnant interfacing, but he has the same Ryder-special implant.

There was a party, a couple of weeks ago. When SAM said she was really, truly coming to the end. She wanted everyone’s last memories of her to be happy ones. So they invited the kids, and Scott and his family, and the Tempest crews and their families, and a myriad of other friends they’ve made along the way. Took over most of the colony with the festivities. Food and games and dancing. It was bittersweet, of course it was.

But that’s… that’s okay.

It reminded him of the party he’d held the week before he went into cryo. Getting on for seven hundred years ago now, in real time. All his friends and family gathered around him, saying goodbye, knowing they’d be long dead by the time he woke up. Now he knows what it’s like to be the one left behind.

The next time they’ll all be together will be her funeral.

She doesn’t want to die in a bed. She never has before, she jokes, why start now? They spend days figuring out where she wants to… go instead. Her early suggestions mostly revolve around battling something, beloved old Carnifex in hand, and he refuses to let her. She never has before, he jokes, why start now?

SAM tracks her degeneration carefully, lets them know exactly when she’s only got a few hours to go.

(SAM’s going to die too. Partly. Of a sort. He was designed to work paired with a person. Able to learn from the physical experience. But he won’t be transferring to anyone else after this. SAM will be restricted to SAM node. He tries not to think of this like murder. It’s not.)

When the time comes, he takes her to the ridge above Prodromos.

The first time they stood in this exact spot, he made a joke about it being his view. He was going to have a penthouse right there.

Turns out it wasn’t just a joke.

There’s a garden there now. The colony increased in size several times over as the climate improved, and it’s a popular tourist spot. The first successful Milky Way outpost in Andromeda. The garden though, the garden is private. Jaal designed it, inspired by some of Kallo’s Tempest blueprints. Suvi and Lexi researched and chose what to plant in it. Cora organised sowing it. Peebee designed a bot to keep it watered. Gil helped her build it.  Drack and his clanmates built the wall around it. Vetra and Sid keep it stocked with whatever it needs. And he and Sara live beside it. Their garden.

A bench faces the rock arch and overlooks the ground below it. Their rock arch. The one they launched off of that day he accidentally told her he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

“Sun’s… setting,” she says. Her voice is weaker than he’s ever heard it and it breaks his heart. She curls tighter in his arms. “Good… good timing.”

They haven’t had nearly enough sunsets together.

“That was the first place I… _knew_ I loved you.” She’s told him that a hundred times, but he never tires of hearing it.

He doesn’t know how to respond. Usually he grins and tells her he knows. But this is… the last time. Last time should be special.

“It was the first place I knew you loved me too.”

“When… when did you first _know_ you loved me?”

“You’ve heard this story before,” he teases her gently. “Don’t you want to hear something new?”

She punches him gently in the shoulder.

“Okay, okay! It… it wasn’t a special day. Not that any of the days of that first year weren’t special. It was here on Eos. Hainly asked us to use those seismic hammers to sort out the water problem. Just another ordinary special day in Andromeda. Then that thing… that Architect attacked. It was enormous. Peebee was so excited.” He pauses, grinning. “Even she’d never seen Remnant that huge. We attacked it back. All guns blazing. It took forever to take it down. Kept flying about. We got separated. Peebee and I took cover one side; you were on the other. The Architect did its fire-breathing thing in your direction, and your shields went down, and…”

He pauses again. Why did he let her make him tell this story? He doesn’t want to talk about a time he thought was dying and she didn’t when, right now, she actually is.

Skip to the end.

“You took that thing down almost single-handed, right? Interfaced with it and all. And when you were done, you pulled off your helmet, and damn, you looked _terrible_. Sweaty and grubby. Bleeding a bit; cut on your forehead. Helmet hair. The whole works. And I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to do more than kiss you. Kiss you every day for the rest of my life. And that’s when I knew. I _knew_ I had to be in love with you. No other explanation for it.”

She usually groans a bit at that. Tells him he’s an idiot. But she doesn’t.

He wonders when… how much of the story she heard before...

SAM would know. If he wanted to ask. If he wanted to put a voice to… that.

There’s a plan in place, a process he’s going to have to follow soon. Everything’s been figured out. But he doesn’t want to move just yet. This is the last time he’s going to get to hold his wife in his arms. Just the thought makes his heart hurt. He gathers her closer, like he can delay what’s already happened by will alone. Just a little while longer. A little while to pretend it hasn’t.

At least until the sun goes down.

She looks like she’s asleep, like he’s seen her sleeping ten thousand times.

He’s seen her die four times.

Habitat 7, the day they met. The Archon ship, before he told her he loved her. The Remnant station, when he almost lost his mind. The operating room, which barely counted.

She always came back to him.

Not this time.

But that’s… that’s okay.


End file.
